Fatherhood6570, Why I wish there was no Michael Jackson Tyler Perry or James Baldwin, Fatherhood, Entertainment and the Pathology of Black Genius

“Believing himself to be ugly simply because his father told him so calling him frog eyes. Baldwin also thought his mother to be ugly due to the insults imposed upon her. On one specific occasion, Baldwin summoned his mother to the window after spotting a woman with thick lips and big eyes on the streets and proclaimed, Look there's someone who's uglier than you and me." Baldwin biographer

“My childhood was hell. I was beaten abused and bathed in ammonia as a child." Tyler Perry

“Beatings were administered with razor straps, belts, wire coat hangers, rulers, switches, and fists. Bloody noses were not uncommon, and more than once one of the boys was knocked senseless.” Michael Jackson.

There is no argument that Tyler Perry, Michael Jackson and the late great novelist/activist James Baldwin have been some of the most gifted human beings that God has lent us. The irony of theses luminaries is that their talent was forged by their painfully abusive childhoods. All three miraculously survived a childhood that would have made many of us suicidal, institutionalized or homicidal. Perhaps in their tortured childhood lies their genius. Is it possible that they could have evolved into the same artist’s without the pain and suffering that they all received from their fathers? Is the analogy of coal turning into diamonds after several thousand years of incredible pressure appropriate here? Could we have had the greatness of Tyler, Michael and Baldwin without the abuse which originated from their slave narrative of self hatred passed down from slave master to father? A rage that lays dormant in massive denial eventually resurfaces violently and when one inevitably succumbs to external pressures it is often fatal to those they love. African Americans males frustration from their inability to attack systemic racism and is redirected and spent onto attack of their own women and children as master would have it. Could we, as benefactors of theses great artist preferred that these great men had a “normal” happy childhood but remained anonymous to us and the world? Could we have been selfless enough to have traded their entertainment gifts for an innocent childhood thus purging their gifts and surrendering their immortal celebrity status to conventional anonymity?

Context is everything, no story can be told with full truth without proper context. African American men dropped upon alien shores, neutered, powerless and without benefit of law, rights or humanity have accumulated much rage. Unfortunately this rage and anger has often fallen on those who they loved the most, their own women and children. African American fathers, the root of their family, unable to plant anchor and hold steadfast are constantly at the mercy of economic, legislative and social tsunami’s. From slavery to separate but equal to welfare systems to the prison industrial systems, African Americans have never had one generation of calm waters to plant anchor. America suffers from institutional historical amnesia and ignores one striking historical fact; that African Americans have been slaves in America much longer than they have been free. The anger of men denied basic rights most often turns them into monsters to both their families and external communities. If that statement seems too strong, be clear. Michael, Tyler and Baldwin as young children saw Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde whenever they saw their fathers and 1/3 of all African American men will be held captive in the penal system.

Tyler, Jackson and Baldwin stories all parallel as all three were emotionally castrated and beaten mercilessly by their fathers without protection of their mothers. Each had to create other worlds were they could hide, die in and be born again. All were the victims of men who were supposed to love and protect them, their fathers. All had their own pathological choice of escape, Tyler’s rabbit hole led him to Madea, an alter-ego who dresses as a woman. Madea, his superego, who he acknowledges represents his Aunt, who once put a gun to his fathers head after his father had almost beaten him to death. This scene, a nightmare of his past resurfaces as a specter of his present in his movies and and in his plays. Madea, large and in charge, the matriarch, an African American woman not afraid of the police or jail, fearless and reckless, unafraid to tote gun, masculine, was profoundly who Tyler wanted his mother to be, who Tyler needed to be. Madea, the mother he wish he had to mute his fathers abuse, to kill his bogeyman, to scare away the monster in his closet. Madea, his angel, the father he never had, the father he wish he had, the reincarnation of his Aunt. Madea, an inseparable part of his psyche who will forever live in Perry and will continue to resurface in his movies and plays until he is healed which unfortunately like Baldwin and Jackson will most likely never occur.

Perry's mother, submissive, serviette and docile, like Michael and Baldwin’s mothers allowed the beatings and the verbal abuse, did not protect them and never took them away from these American made monsters. When the mother, the center of any child’s universe can’t or won’t protect her child, the child hates the mother subconsciously never acknowledging or aware of this hate on a conscious level. This hate is never acknowledged by the victim because what child could acknowledge hating their mother consciously and remain sane. But the hate does manifest itself in their daughters in the selection of males their daughters choose and in their sons in the females that their sons choose perpetuating a cycle of lord of the flies communities. In the absence of the father mothers become gods that are not benevolent.(Read my article on Fatherhood6570 and Hip Hop) This is why Mothers day in the African American community is so overly celebrated.

In the absence of father (as over 70% of African American homes are) mother is loved, feared and hated. Indeed, there is massive denial in the African American community that fathers are needed, a necessary rationalization system to justify the fathers absence to justify the love they never received. It is impossible for Tyler to escape Madea because she represents the father he wanted to have, righteous, protective, paternal. It is impossible for Perry to envision a father in a man, Madea is the only father Perry can accept. Without Madea, Tyler Perry, who had attempted suicide twice would have eventually killed himself, Madea is his lifeline that protects the little boy in him that never evolved into a man. In a community where over 70% of African American males grow up without their father there are millions of Perry’s; unfortunately without Perry’s genius and talent, many of these males escape is the highly profitable prison industrial complex system where 1 of every 3 African American males will eventually reside.

Michael's story, same theme, different variation. A child prodigy, like Baldwin, his genius was recognized early. As told in one biography. "Joe Jackson used to lock Michael in a closet, my source says. "The abuse just goes on and on. Janet was also afraid of him. I once found her in the kitchen with a huge knife. She was going to use it on him." Michael’s escape from his father started on the stage and ended literally in Neverland, his fortress of fantasy, impenetrable to his greatest foe, Joe Jackson, his father. What Madea is to Perry, the stage and Neverland were to Jackson. It is no coincidence that both Michael and Perry have traded their African American masculinity for the costume of women as Michael always wanted to look like Diana Ross and Tyler his Aunt through Madea. But escape has it’s price. As Michael escaped from his father he simultaneously fled from himself, like Perry, both entered a world of schizophrenia rewarded by American capitalism via celebrity status.

Beaten, brutalized and called scarring names by his father, Michael, like any child abused still loved his father and was pathologically confused by his father who both sang praises about him and to others while beating and abusing him deepening Michael's psychosis. Michael’s pain led him to pathological denial of who he was. His physical transformation, stunningly frightening, was an attempt to hide from both his father and the paternalism of the ever present white caste system that both hates and desires African Americans skin color as this is their own form of institutional schizophrenia. Michael, rather than fight them, joined them, his drug of choice a burning desire to become apart of Americas number one aspirational brand, a white American. To transcend his black skin, to escape from Joe Jackson he had to escape from himself transforming from the beautiful little African American he was into an oversized elf with hair, cheekbones and a nose that was beyond cartoonish that transcended the norm of human physical anthropology.

Michael’s genius was so powerful that he filled a deep void in America that is buried in it's own self destruction, paranoia and emptiness. When he performed the audience looked up, arms up and open ready to embrace him as they wept, hysteric and fainting, desperate for a glimpse of him, a touch of him. As he descended onto the stage from on high, he was their Jesus, their saint, their salvation. In a land of pathological denial about the genocide of the domestic population, the American Indian, 400 years of slavery, the dropping of nuclear weapons on other human beings, Michael offered repentance for them through his music, through the unconditional love he offered. For if Michael could so forgive his father he could so forgive America, they believed. They, in their collective institutional guilt sought his forgiveness, his repentance in the only gods they truly recognize as the ones that walk the earth. African Americans on the other hand saw Michael simply as their little brother, their sons and their family, African Americans danced and sang and celebrated him not as a god but as Gods gift, no different that Marvin or Luther. One could argue that if sacrifice is the highest form of love, the love that Michael commanded from millions was at the expense of his sacrifice of self commanded by father Joe.

James Baldwin, easily one of America’s greatest novelist once stated “I never had a childhood” and “I never had a father.” Of course, like Michael and Tyler he had both but because of his physical and psychological abuse he suffered, he had neither. While Perry’s sexuality has quietly been questioned and Michaels sexuality appeared almost androgynous, Baldwin was openly gay, an incredible statement considering the times he lived in and the bold activist he was. As Perry’s retreat was Madea and Michael's was Neverland, Baldwin’s matrix was through his subconscious choice of gayness and his great intellectual gifts. Like Michael, he joined them believing that his great intellect would allow him into their world and would offer him asylum as a gay African American man in a strange land. He attempted membership through his gift of word and pen and if you have not read him would be the equivalent of not hearing Coltrane, watching Michael Jordan or seeing a sunset. With his overly generous use of commas, Baldwin captured in one sentence what most writers could not capture in an entire novel.

Baldwin tried to reclaim his humanity stolen from him from his father through intellectual ascension. In his case membership had no privilege's. Baldwin’s pathology was (as is the modern educated middle class African American) was that he could recapture his humanity through the certification of white approval; of his intellect, linguistical ability and his pen. The indoctrination of African Americans through education has always given African Americans the illusion that through educational pedigrees, W2’s, or bespoke residences that they would receive acceptance by whites. Where Baldwin tried to escape his pain through intellect, Michael did so through skin lightening, as Perry morphed into female costume all furthering the damage of what Emeritus Earl El-Amin WEAA Public Radio Talk Show host and activist calls destroying our “genetic memory.” Baldwin's expatriate status to France with his white male lover was a final attempt for inner peace and tranquility once stating that to be Black and conscious in America forces one to walk a tightrope of sanity vs. insanity.

All three struggle and struggled with their sexuality which is often an inevitable consequence of abused males. All, victims of a massive fatherhood deficit, painfully tried to fill the hungry void left by their fathers through the physical veneered love of other men or abandoning their own masculinity. Tyler, like Luther, not out but struggling, Michael, oscillating between boys and women and Baldwin openly accepting white male lovers. For Baldwin, who fought for Black rights with the fierceness of Malcolm X to take a white male lover is the equivalent of Nat Turner taking a white wife, yet he surrendered as many African American do who climb the ladder. Michael the innocent, surrounded himself with boys, like the catholic Priest who meant no harm, in denying themselves one forbidden pleasure surrendered to another. Perry, raised in the church, tortured by his Christian upbringing tries to have women but needs a male lover to quench the thirst created by his father. The tragic price of Black genius in these cases rooted in abuse initiated by institutional racism and carried on by their fathers is unfortunately standard operational procedure in the African American community. The epidemic levels of fatherlessness and fathers who abuse their children has created a manifest destiny of pathology in high school drop outs, HIV, incarceration, drug infested neighborhoods, homicide, teenage pregnancy, gangs and abortion as a way of birth control making the womb of an African American women the most dangerous place for an African American child to reside.

If the prerequisite of producing a Michael Jackson, Tyler Perry or James Baldwin was based on their torturous childhood, I would have preferred that they never reached their greatness, I would have preferred for them an ordinary life of mediocrity, anonymity and banality. I would prefer that we had never heard of them and that they never reached the heights that they did. As much as I have been awed by their gifts and talents, as much as I have imitated Michael’s dancing, laughed at Perry's comedic genius and wept after reading Baldwin I would have surrendered these stirring emotions they have stirred in me for them to have a childhood of peace, serenity and joy. But is our need for entertainment so narcissistic and self-serving, so great that we would rather watch Michael spin in circles three times in a snap rather than allow him a healthy father and a childhood absence of abuse? Is the void in us so hollow today that we would demand Tyler's Perry being bathed in ammonia by his own grandmother so that we years later would laugh at his an Madea alter-ego? Was the existential and transformative experience of reading Baldwin and having him fight for our humanity worth the brutality he lived through under his monstrous father? Was their genius possible without the torture and abuse?

As fathers, we are the root of community and we must first create homes that make our women feel safe, valued and respected. By nurturing our women first we produce healthy children before conception. Our women and how we treat them is the singular way for us to recover dignity, respect and community. The healthiest children come from homes where the mother and father have the highest level of self esteem, communication, shared values and displayed affection. These traits cannot be taught by programs, private industry or government, indeed the majority of African American children are already state property as a result of absentee fathers. Lunch programs, food stamps, government housing, medicare and beyond prove that the love of the father has been substituted by the paternalism of the state. Children do not do what we say but do imitate what they see. We must let our children see templates of healthy marriages as blueprints of excellence. When the mother and the father give our children a minimum of 18 years or 6,570 days of the highest level of homeostasis the children flourish and are capable of genius on many levels. By establishing the highest level of homeostasis between the mother and father will we by default produce children that can achieve the genius of Michael Jackson, Tyler Perry and James Baldwin without the holocaust of their childhoods. Fatherhood at minimum is an 18 year 6,570 day commitment and when over 80% of all African American children live 6,570 days without their father African American children suffer the greatest deficit America has, an unquenchable love deficit.

This is an excerpt from Mr. Davis's forthcoming book, "The Maintenance of Denial"

Email: Raydavisgroup@aol.com

Blog: Fatherhood6570

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Fatherhood6570, Choice or Consequences

Fatherhood6570 What is a Thug ?

A thug is a boy, whose never been hugged by his Dad 365 days in a year. A thug is a boy, who tries to be hard but hasn’t been taught how to shed tears. A thug struggles with momma, He thinks it’s her fault, that his father the thug isn’t there. He can’t understand, his fathers no man and made him a thug, not hip-hop or momma. Thugs wear strictly designer, are iced and bling-blinging while their children are full of resentment. Thugs think Playstations, X-boxes, Iphones and Nikes replace Daddy’s love, time spent and commitment.  Big and Tupac great artist's called themselves thugs would've traded fame, fortune for one day of Dads love. Their rhymes would have been real not meant for consumers, spitting lyrics Of Black self improvement. Like Martin and Malcolm, they could have woke millions and started a national movement. A thugs not scared to die, he expects it you see, dying is better than life. Like Tupac and Big who talked big about death, so afraid of their life neither are left.  Without fathers boys are blind, no past and no future, they walk in the dark, lost trying to be men. Their fathers their eyes, without Dad they're blind, they stumble and fall without their Dad’s hand.  Thugs think women are babies mamma's, bitches and Ho’s. They love sex without love, like fifty, they’re confused. They look in the mirror and wonder what’s wrong, alcohol, their children and women they abuse. Thugs remain boys, in spite of their age and a body, that makes them think they’re a man. He lives with his mama, drives his girls car, baby boy’s what we call them, never a man.  He plays Playstation all day and quits every job, as soon as child support finds him. He has several children, by a few different women and supports none, while his Escalade blings with new rims. Thugs sons are angry, confused and are lonely. With no father, his life, has no vision or plan. Independent Black women who make their own money get confused by Beyonce thinking they can raise men. A thug disrespects women, like his father who taught him because he wasn’t there he’ll never take a Black woman and call him his wife. Like himself and his children he just doesn’t care.  Thugs need love from a man, to go boys to men, no diploma or woman can save him. Its why God made man, to raise boys to be men. Without fathers, at forty, he behaves like he’s still seven.  To create a thug, multiply 365 days times 18 years of no bother Imagine; 6,570 day's with no hugs, no love, to a boy from his father

Ray Davis

The writer, Ray Davis is availible for speaking engagements and can be reached at Raydavisgroup@aol.com or his Blog: Fatherhood6570

Fatherhood6570 EIGHT HABITS OF EXCELLENT AFRICAN AMERICAN STUDENTS

FATHERHOOD6570 8 HABITS OF EXCELLENT AFRICAN AMERICAN STUDENTS

The 8 habits below are the same habits I executed in my home with my 3 children. My oldest son is currently in a PhD program for Electrical Engineering / Nanotechnology. My daughter, a Spelman College graduate has been accepted to every medical school she has applied to and is pursuing medicine. My youngest son is a special needs student who will require parental care all of his life. I have added a bonus on caring for special needs children. I don’t share the information about my children to brag but to tell every parent ALL OF OUR CHILDREN ARE MASTERPIECES waiting to be developed. As my running narrative has maintained, what we do with our children daily for 18 years or 6,570 days as I constantly talk about determines their success. Our children are our canvas you as parents are the artist. Below are 8 steps to painting your masterpiece.

A world class education does not come from overpriced private schools, vouchers, designer clothes or gated communities. It comes from homes were love is defined as sacrifice, discipline, high expectations and frequent inspections. It demands an investment of daily regimen, constant nurturing and giving more of a commitment to our children than playstations, X boxes and our jobs. Below are the 8 Habits of Excellent African American Students and attached to each habit is a comprehensive resource guide for each topic.
Although this guide is user friendly to all children I have dedicated this to African American children due to the epidemic statistics they suffer nationally in our school systems.

8 HABITS OF EXCELLENT AFRICAN AMERICAN STUDENTS

1. NO TV AT ALL between Monday and Thursday, none. A child / teen gets home between 3:00pm and 5:00pm. A snack and dinner will require 1 hour. Give them 1 hour of down time but structure this time with choices of play. This free time could consist of activities such as checkers, reading, puzzles, writing, drawing, chess, board games, etc. I personally do not like video games but if you must a 30 minute limit should be in place. Two hours of uninterrupted focus should be for study and homework. Once homework is finished study begins. African Americans watch more television than any other group, just over 4 hours and 40 minutes per day. IMAGINE IF OUR CHILDREN STUDIED 4 HOURS A DAY.
TV facts

2. THE STUDY OR HOMEWORK ROOM should consist of no other sounds than jazz, cultural, classical music or silence. Give your child the choice. Listening to Jazz allows African American children to master their own musical heritage and focus on their work, not the music they would choose to listen to. Try to include a world map, globe, paper, writing utensils, glue, crayons, flashcards, calculators, etc., to make this room the official study room. The homework room can be any room in the house but dedicate it to your child’s education. Money is not a barrier as dollar stores have all of these items and lets be realistic how much money do we waste in athletic shoes, video games and designer clothes.

Study Skills Links & Resources
Fact Monster - A fun site with study tips, games, and more; Study Guides & Strategies - Tons of useful information; Academic Skills Center - Another site ...

3. DON'T RELY ON THE SCHOOL to provide all the education for your children. It is not the schools responsibility to love your child it is yours and love means priorities, discipline, goals, rules, manners, boundaries, respect. It is not you teachers job to raise your child, it is their job to teach them, if you have not given your child the basics, they are not teachable. When your children tell you they have no homework give them homework yourself; discuss a topic you and they share interest in and have them write a paper about it, then discuss it together. Use the Internet to locate learning activities that are both fun and educational. Ask the teacher to provide more homework in the future especially in areas that your child struggles in. SAT test can be taken over the Internet for free to increase your child's score and assist with college scholarship opportunities. Make sure you have your teachers email and be proactive, if you are only in contact with your teacher when their is a problem then that is a problem.

Super Teacher Worksheets - Free Printable Math Worksheets, Grammar ...
Free math worksheets, printable grammar sheets, multiplication facts practice, ... This page also includes reading comprehension activities. ...


4. FIND YOUR CHILD'S NATURAL APTITUDE because every child has a gift. Below is a general guide to various forms of intelligence. Give your children the chance to develop and cultivate these skills. When a child finds their gift's and you as a parent cultivates that gift it creates natural immunities because a high self esteem for your children protects them against peer pressure, premature sex, gangs, drugs and poor academic performance.

Multiple Intelligences
This page provides general background information about the theory of multiple intelligences, practical strategies for using the theory in learning and ...www.thomasarmstrong.com/multiple_intelligences.htm - Cached - Similar -natural
Linguistic intelligence ("word smart"):
Logical-mathematical intelligence ("number/reasoning smart")
Spatial intelligence ("picture smart")
Bodily-Kinesthetic intelligence ("body smart")
Musical intelligence ("music smart")
Interpersonal intelligence ("people smart")
Intrapersonal intelligence ("self smart")
Naturalist intelligence ("nature smart")




5. SEND YOUR CHILDREN TO BED as early as 8:00am - 8:30pm for elementary students, 9:00pm - 9:30pm for middle students and 9:30pm - 10:30pm for high school students. My son and daughter missed 5 days total between them from the 1st through the 12th grade not because they are any healthier than any other children but because they simply got enough rest. This is critical for optimal mental and physical development. Lack of sleep is detrimental to learning and interferes with concentration and memory (which is why so many AA children are prescribed Ritalin.) Lack of sleep also weakens the immune system, can lead to higher occurrences of health problems and cause accidents.

The relationship of sleep on academic performance in adolescents
Jun 10, 2009 ... According to a research abstract that will be presented on Wednesday, June 10, at SLEEP 2009, the 23rd Annual Meeting of the Associated ...www.news-medical

6. SET GOALS AND EXPECTATIONS for your children that include weekly incentives and rewards. Do not wait on report cards to reward or discipline your child. With email there is no excuse in not communicating with your child's teacher. Provide weekly incentives for them. The rewards can include weekend use of Internet, video games, bowling, skating, allowances, etc. Have all of your child's teachers phone numbers and email addresses posted in a visible area in your home so that you can contact them biweekly.

goal setting for kids
We have produced a range of goal-setting sheets to appeal to all age-groups and hope you will find one to appeal to your children. Goal setting cards ...www.activityvillage.co.uk/goal_setting_for_kids.htm - Cached

7. A PEACEFUL HOME is mandatory for providing children a safe, secure and structured environment that allows your child to focus on his higher needs. Homes that have loud conflicts, domestic abuse, alcohol and drug use and a constant group of negative people in and out of the home reduces the ability of the child to succeed on any level. My youngest child is a special needs child* and operates at his best (like most children) when he feels safe, secure and valued. All positive behavior should be praised internalizing peace which creates the immunity of high self-esteem within your child.

Creating a Peaceful Home
A fresh look at this classic from which many self-help books were taken. ... What are some steps we can take to ensure that our home is as peaceful as possible? ... Establish rules and consequences for

8. A SPIRITUAL FOUNDATION must be established as early as possible for the above variables to work. Children and adults who have a spiritual void most often fill that void with materialistic addictions, negative peer assembly, premature sex and apathetic scholastic descent. I have two young adults who are currently finishing their college careers at two of the finest colleges in the country. I make this point with them; educational pedigree's, six figure salaries, vocational titles and luxury automobiles can't heal broken hearts, loss of loved ones, loneliness and illness. Unless you recognize an acknowledge that you have a creator and that it is you mission to honor him by daily deed, your world anointed certifications will be blown away leaving you naked when storms come. This is what I offer them, this is what I offer you.

Religion and Academic Achievement Among Adolescents
... demonstrates

9. BONUS HABIT, OUR SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN. As I mentioned, my youngest son is special needs, he operates between 3 and 5 years of age in intelligence and will always need an adult with him. To fathers of these children especially if they are boys I say this, if you abandon them they will not make it and it will severely impact them. If I am not working my special needs son is with me all the time and he is the greatest joy of my life. In brief, these children should be exposed to everything, malls, swimming, skating, music, family, bowling, movies, computers. Your special needs child has a talent it is your job to find it.

The Ultimate Guide to Special Needs Teaching: 100+ Resources and ...
Jun 25, 2008 ... Teaching Strategies and Pastoral Care: This detailed guide goes over ... Toys for Special Needs Children: Use

The writer, Ray Davis is founder of Fatherhood6570 and can be reached at this blog or by contacting Raydavisgroup@aol.com.

Fatherhood6570, Fatherhood and the Single Mother

Single mothers raising male and female children alone is obviously a problem. Single mothers raising sons alone are a disaster. This is not a condemnation of women but a call to action for the men who are the fathers of these children. The rise of gangs, high school drop outs, teenage pregnancies, incarceration rates and African American homicides are all evidence prime fascia that fathers need to be in their home for their children. Even though daughters suffer tremendously without their fathers they have the template of their mothers to model behavior after. Their son’s however have no such model and in having the mother as the only parent left to raise them are left to develop their psyche based solely off of their mother's model. This causes tremendous confusion in the very young male as his adoration of his mother places her at the center of her universe and simultaneously builds a subconscious resentment towards her for not providing him his father.

The daughter of course also suffers from her fathers absence. She needs to see her mother loved properly so that she builds trust in men and is able to choose a healthy male for herself one day. She also needs her fathers physical and emotional love which reduces her need for premature sex behavior, low self esteem and teenage pregnancy. Single mothers that have a revolving door of men in their homes guarantee that their daughters will permanently distrust all men thus lowering their standards. Their daughters will eventually become their mothers regenerating a cycle of fatherless homes. Children rarely do what we say but most often do what they see. Again, the child witnessing 6,570 days or 18 years of modeling of positive or negative behavior determines our children's fate. Their sons will treat other women as they have witnessed their own mothers being treated and eventually imitate their own father 's by preying on women spawning children they will abandon just like thier father's.

Without the father the daughter has no immune system for male predators. She often will seek daddy through men older that will take advantage of her sexually. Pregnancy at an early age starts the 15 year cycle where the child is 15, the mother is 30 and the grandmother is 45. Ironically, many times these women in the same family compete for the same man as none of them have entered adulthood because the prerequisite of maturation can only be taught by healthy parents. The insert below illustrates this example.

Mother and daughter fight over man who was sleeping with both ...
Oct 15, 2009 ... Mother and daughter fight over man who was sleeping with both ... mother and her daughter

The fatherhood deficit which in many cases is multi-generational has created homes and communities where we have normalized the unthinkable. My cousin who teaches school in one urban community has four students who are brothers that attend his elementary school. The brothers are all borderline special need students. Their legal names are Grand Marnier, Hennessey, Courvoisier and Bacardi. The tragic comedy of this spectacle oscillates the reader between laughter and despair. Projecting the future of these boys one is condemned to silence. Comprehending the motivation of the mother who named her sons after premium alcohol induces weak attempts of humor to the most sober reader. The boys are already compromised because of their special needs and a mother that apparently has has an unhealthy dependency on alcohol. With no sober father present and her chemical dependency we witness a recipe for disaster for why so many African American children fall victim to the system. Indeed, on any given day nearly 23 percent of African American males who have dropped out of school between the ages of are in jail, prison or a juvenile justice system according to the Center for Labor Market Studies.

Males without fathers often stay in a suspended animation of boyhood for the rest of their adult lives defaulting to selfishness, sex without commitment and will become the fathers that their father were; absent, inattentive and reckless. These males project their own self-hatred because of their fathers absence onto the children they will have but never raise effectively destroying self vicariously through abandoning their own children. The maintenance of denial requires single mothers to believe they can raise males alone. Unfortunately, especially in the African American community, we make myth of the great single African American mother who has beaten the odds with her children. If this myth was the rule and not the exception the African American child would not be at the bottom of all leading danger indexes.

Single mothers can and must help their sons even without their fathers present. Some strategies they can take are to:

Only date men who have committed relationships with their own children
Do everything in your power not to end the relationship
Join churches that have male mentoring
Place children in activities that have male adults
Never criticize their fathers in front of them
Use media to let them watch males who are positive role models
Encourage when possible that the father talks to them daily and sees them at least once a week
Use the Internet for strategies

The job of two parents together is very difficult, with one parent it is often overwhelming.We first must admit and acknowledge to ourselves that our children are missing half of what they need. In acknowledging that we are more moved to do something about it. There are stories of success among single mothers and single mothers have an obligation to find what the ingredients of those stories were and duplicate them for the success of their own children. Most of all this again is a call for men to be present every day in the lives of their children relieving our women of single parenthood and eliminating the massive love deficits we have created in our children. Fathers are the only solution.

The writer Ray Davis Founder of Fatherhood 6570 can be reached at this blog or at Raydavisgroup@aoil.com

Fatherhood6570, Fatherhood and Hip Hop

The meteoric rise of Hip Hop over the past thirty years is directly correlated to the absence of fathers in the African American community. This is not a criticism of Hip Hop but a perspective of why much of the music is so angry, misogynistic, consumer driven and violent. These males suffering a massive love deficit try to fill the void with lyrics that amplify how they feel and view the world. African American males have less fathers in the home today then they did in slavery.* The fatherhood deficit that is pandemic in African American homes and is even approaching high levels in White households leaving a painful void that desperately needs to be filled by these males. Hip Hop offers them a community of escape denial and hope. While the traditional paths of underprivileged males allowed sports to be the source for escape, venting and communal need, Hip Hop’s generous filter allows more young males into the sport of Hip Hop as it does not require athletic gifts, rigorous practice and adult authority in the realm of male coaches.

I want to briefly examine four of Hip Hops leading lights of Rap music to show the pain that the absence of fatherhood causes forever and how that pain is therapeutically released through the music. Here we look at the music of Foxy Brown, Biggie, Tupac and Jay Z who have all contributed songs that are directed at their absentee fathers. Beyond the incredibly potent lyrics after reading this article we immediately see why Hip Hop is such a powerful force in the abscence of fathers in our homes.

Foxy Brown’s, My Life
Uh, confused, I ain't asked to be born
Nigga so dumb, shoulda used a condom
Ask mommy every day, when daddy gon' come?
But he never showed up

Lack of love had me fallin' for thugs
The niggas who ain't care, just like Daddy
If he ain't care, why should they?
For this 'high price' life, it's the price I pay

Tupac, Papa’s Song
Had to play catch by myself, what a sorry sight
A pitiful plight, so I pray for a starry night
Please send me a pops before puberty
the things I wouldn't do to see a piece of family unity
Moms always work, I barely see her
I'm startin to get worried without a pops I'll grow to be her
It's a wonder they don't understand kids today
so when I pray, I pray I'll never grow to be that way

Moms had to entertain many men
Didn't wanna do it but it's time to pay the rent again
I'm gettin a bit older and I'm startin to be a bother
Moms can't stand me cause I'm lookin like my father
Should I stay or run away, tell me the answer
Moms ignores me and avoids me like cancer

Biggie Smalls, Suicidal thoughts
When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell
Cause I'm a piece of shit, it ain't hard to fuckin' tell
It don't make sense, goin' to heaven wit the goodie-goodies
Dressed in white, I like black Tims and black hoodies

All my life I been considered as the worst
Lyin' to my mother, even stealin' out her purse
Crime after crime, from drugs to extortion
I know my mother wished she got a fuckin' abortion
She don't even love me like she did when I was younger
Suckin' on her chest just to stop my fuckin' hunger
I wonder if I died, would tears come to her eyes?
Forgive me for my disrespect, forgive me for my lies

Jay Z, Where have you been
I wanted to walk just like him (remember?)
wanted to talk just like him (word)
often momma said I look too much
and I thought just like him (it could happen)
wanted to drink Miller nips
and smoke Newports just like you
but you left me, now I'm goin to court just like you
I would say "my daddy loves me and he'll never go away"
bullshit, do you even remember December's my birthday?
do you even remember the tender boy
you turned into a cold young man
with one goal and one plan
get mommy out of some jam, she was always in one
always short with the income
always late with the rent
You said that you was comin through
I would stay in the hallway (waitin)
always playin the bench (waitin)
and that day came and went
Fuck You! very much you showed me the worst kind of pain
but I'm stronger and trust me I will never hurt again
will never ask mommy "why daddy don't love me?
Why is we so poor?, why is life so ugly?
Mommy why is your eyes puffy?"
please don't cry everything'll be alright
I know it's dark now, but we gon' see the light
It's us against the world
we don't need him, right? (right)

Ray Davis’s summary: These lyrics are a veritable national anthem of artist's from fatherless homes echoing the pain, alienation and self-hatred of abandonment by their fathers. I leave you here to reflect on these lyrics by multi-million dollar celebrities that in spite of their status suffer the greatest deficit America faces today, the love deficit between father and child. As the lyrics testify the damage is permanent and it lives in their children for the rest of their lives. If you as a father have abandoned, neglected or not acknowledged your child you can be sure that they feel what these artist have spoken. Fathers, it is never too late to acknowledge your child and in saving your child you ultimately save yourself.

*During the days of slavery a black child was more likely to grow up living with both parents than he or she is today.
Andrew J. Cherlin, Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage, rev. and enl. ed., (Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1992), 110 . See also Herbert G. Gutman, The Black Family in Slavery and Freedom, 1750-1925 (New York: Pantheon, 1976). For a review of this and similar studies see Stanley L. Engerman, "Black Fertility and Family Structure in the U.S. 1880-1940," Journal of Family History 2 (Summer 1977): 177ff. Cited in The Abolition of Marriage, by Maggie Gallagher page 117

The writer Ray Davis Founder of Fatherhood 6570 can be reached at this blog or at Raydavisgroup@aoil.com

Fatherhood6570, Controlling technologies so they don’t control our children

As we examine a litany of social decay, hyper violent behavior, increased narcissism and the fathers natural place in the family being trumped by the individual autonomy of wife and child we end the conversation in a state of powerless. Indeed, women and children have been emancipated from the patriarchal authority of men and fathers and are both confused in their new roles. The necessary success of modern women has reduced the state of homeostasis in the home leaving many fathers useless. In the lower classes the father has been reduced to the state via the welfare system and in the homes of our educated households the father is subordinate to the economically emancipated woman.

With increased informational and communication technologies including cable, Internet, iPods, twitter, cell phones, MySpace and Facebook parental authority has defaulted to our children who now exist as gods in their own self created universe. It is a universe that we as parents have not mastered, cannot navigate in and certainly cannot compete with our children in. As the gap between the parent and child's mastery of technology increases the erosion of paternal authority does also. Establishing paternal authority early and clearly is the only way to control the child otherwise Frankenstein will roam beyond his creators control.

Having raised 3 children who were in their mid teens before everyone carried PC’s in their pocket, I narrowly escaped what parents today face routinely. The question is, how do we effectively balance the use of technologies without compromising and contributing to our own children’s diminished expectations? Technologies should be used to manage our children not determine their moral compass. We have prevented our children to enter the state of citizenship but yet transcend them directly to consumer status months out of the womb allowing the advertisers to capture them at infancy through television eliminating any last hope of paternal authority. The father need not be of Bill Gates status to feel empowered with technology, he simply needs to have a daily narrative of what is going on in the lives of his children and be a greater source of self esteem building, safety and vision than the technologies his child uses.

As fathers, our first job is to have a daily presence in the lives of our children. Although this is not always possible the availability of cell phones and Internet eliminate excuses not to utilize these technologies even as absentee fathers to maintain contact with our children. Even an unemployed father can access the Internet from the library and various retail outlets including the mall to email his children daily. From inspecting homework to reviewing online phone histories, to phones with GPS tracking and laptops and PC’s, to saying I love you daily, fathers that are not monitoring these systems are contributing to the failure to their own children. How many parents whose children are failing in school are not using email to hold triangular accountability between the teacher the child and the themselves on a consistent basis?

As fathers, it is our primary duty to teach our children to be as competent as possible as they grow so that we can be certain of their success later in life. Because that time is limited we must set expectations and then inspect those expectations at the earliest ages possible. Children need to be told day upon receipt that their cell phones, iPods, Facebook, MySpace and other technology tools are privileges not rights. Parents need to create with their children a bill of rights that clearly state that if these tools are used for sex, cheating, taunting, videotaping inappropriate behavior and any other predetermined negative behaviors the child including older teens will lose these privileges for a time already written in their bill of rights.

A better society comes from the quality of fruit we as parents produce in our children. We need not be overwhelmed by technology and we don’t have to be experts with technology to manage our children. Fathers who are present and in their homes are the best type of low tech technology invented. Fathers who institute low tech parameters will always succeed. These low tech technologies include; accountability, communication, expectations and inspection, order, law, limits and stability (which are all at the bottom of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs model). These fathers will raise children who can use and navigate in all technology universes immune to the pathologies and trappings of a faltering society. Fathers are the best immune systems for their children and families and we must commit a minimum of 6,570 days or 18 years to that task.

The writer Ray Davis Founder of Fatherhood 6570 can be reached at this blog or at Raydavisgroup@aol.com