Single mothers raising male and female children alone is obviously a problem. Single mothers raising sons alone are a disaster. This is not a condemnation of women but a call to action for the men who are the fathers of these children. The rise of gangs, high school drop outs, teenage pregnancies, incarceration rates and African American homicides are all evidence prime fascia that fathers need to be in their home for their children. Even though daughters suffer tremendously without their fathers they have the template of their mothers to model behavior after. Their son’s however have no such model and in having the mother as the only parent left to raise them are left to develop their psyche based solely off of their mother's model. This causes tremendous confusion in the very young male as his adoration of his mother places her at the center of her universe and simultaneously builds a subconscious resentment towards her for not providing him his father.
The daughter of course also suffers from her fathers absence. She needs to see her mother loved properly so that she builds trust in men and is able to choose a healthy male for herself one day. She also needs her fathers physical and emotional love which reduces her need for premature sex behavior, low self esteem and teenage pregnancy. Single mothers that have a revolving door of men in their homes guarantee that their daughters will permanently distrust all men thus lowering their standards. Their daughters will eventually become their mothers regenerating a cycle of fatherless homes. Children rarely do what we say but most often do what they see. Again, the child witnessing 6,570 days or 18 years of modeling of positive or negative behavior determines our children's fate. Their sons will treat other women as they have witnessed their own mothers being treated and eventually imitate their own father 's by preying on women spawning children they will abandon just like thier father's.
Without the father the daughter has no immune system for male predators. She often will seek daddy through men older that will take advantage of her sexually. Pregnancy at an early age starts the 15 year cycle where the child is 15, the mother is 30 and the grandmother is 45. Ironically, many times these women in the same family compete for the same man as none of them have entered adulthood because the prerequisite of maturation can only be taught by healthy parents. The insert below illustrates this example.
Mother and daughter fight over man who was sleeping with both ...
Oct 15, 2009 ... Mother and daughter fight over man who was sleeping with both ... mother and her daughter
The fatherhood deficit which in many cases is multi-generational has created homes and communities where we have normalized the unthinkable. My cousin who teaches school in one urban community has four students who are brothers that attend his elementary school. The brothers are all borderline special need students. Their legal names are Grand Marnier, Hennessey, Courvoisier and Bacardi. The tragic comedy of this spectacle oscillates the reader between laughter and despair. Projecting the future of these boys one is condemned to silence. Comprehending the motivation of the mother who named her sons after premium alcohol induces weak attempts of humor to the most sober reader. The boys are already compromised because of their special needs and a mother that apparently has has an unhealthy dependency on alcohol. With no sober father present and her chemical dependency we witness a recipe for disaster for why so many African American children fall victim to the system. Indeed, on any given day nearly 23 percent of African American males who have dropped out of school between the ages of are in jail, prison or a juvenile justice system according to the Center for Labor Market Studies.
Males without fathers often stay in a suspended animation of boyhood for the rest of their adult lives defaulting to selfishness, sex without commitment and will become the fathers that their father were; absent, inattentive and reckless. These males project their own self-hatred because of their fathers absence onto the children they will have but never raise effectively destroying self vicariously through abandoning their own children. The maintenance of denial requires single mothers to believe they can raise males alone. Unfortunately, especially in the African American community, we make myth of the great single African American mother who has beaten the odds with her children. If this myth was the rule and not the exception the African American child would not be at the bottom of all leading danger indexes.
Single mothers can and must help their sons even without their fathers present. Some strategies they can take are to:
Only date men who have committed relationships with their own children
Do everything in your power not to end the relationship
Join churches that have male mentoring
Place children in activities that have male adults
Never criticize their fathers in front of them
Use media to let them watch males who are positive role models
Encourage when possible that the father talks to them daily and sees them at least once a week
Use the Internet for strategies
The job of two parents together is very difficult, with one parent it is often overwhelming.We first must admit and acknowledge to ourselves that our children are missing half of what they need. In acknowledging that we are more moved to do something about it. There are stories of success among single mothers and single mothers have an obligation to find what the ingredients of those stories were and duplicate them for the success of their own children. Most of all this again is a call for men to be present every day in the lives of their children relieving our women of single parenthood and eliminating the massive love deficits we have created in our children. Fathers are the only solution.
The writer Ray Davis Founder of Fatherhood 6570 can be reached at this blog or at Raydavisgroup@aoil.com
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