Fatherhood6570, Fatherhood and the Single Mother

Single mothers raising male and female children alone is obviously a problem. Single mothers raising sons alone are a disaster. This is not a condemnation of women but a call to action for the men who are the fathers of these children. The rise of gangs, high school drop outs, teenage pregnancies, incarceration rates and African American homicides are all evidence prime fascia that fathers need to be in their home for their children. Even though daughters suffer tremendously without their fathers they have the template of their mothers to model behavior after. Their son’s however have no such model and in having the mother as the only parent left to raise them are left to develop their psyche based solely off of their mother's model. This causes tremendous confusion in the very young male as his adoration of his mother places her at the center of her universe and simultaneously builds a subconscious resentment towards her for not providing him his father.

The daughter of course also suffers from her fathers absence. She needs to see her mother loved properly so that she builds trust in men and is able to choose a healthy male for herself one day. She also needs her fathers physical and emotional love which reduces her need for premature sex behavior, low self esteem and teenage pregnancy. Single mothers that have a revolving door of men in their homes guarantee that their daughters will permanently distrust all men thus lowering their standards. Their daughters will eventually become their mothers regenerating a cycle of fatherless homes. Children rarely do what we say but most often do what they see. Again, the child witnessing 6,570 days or 18 years of modeling of positive or negative behavior determines our children's fate. Their sons will treat other women as they have witnessed their own mothers being treated and eventually imitate their own father 's by preying on women spawning children they will abandon just like thier father's.

Without the father the daughter has no immune system for male predators. She often will seek daddy through men older that will take advantage of her sexually. Pregnancy at an early age starts the 15 year cycle where the child is 15, the mother is 30 and the grandmother is 45. Ironically, many times these women in the same family compete for the same man as none of them have entered adulthood because the prerequisite of maturation can only be taught by healthy parents. The insert below illustrates this example.

Mother and daughter fight over man who was sleeping with both ...
Oct 15, 2009 ... Mother and daughter fight over man who was sleeping with both ... mother and her daughter

The fatherhood deficit which in many cases is multi-generational has created homes and communities where we have normalized the unthinkable. My cousin who teaches school in one urban community has four students who are brothers that attend his elementary school. The brothers are all borderline special need students. Their legal names are Grand Marnier, Hennessey, Courvoisier and Bacardi. The tragic comedy of this spectacle oscillates the reader between laughter and despair. Projecting the future of these boys one is condemned to silence. Comprehending the motivation of the mother who named her sons after premium alcohol induces weak attempts of humor to the most sober reader. The boys are already compromised because of their special needs and a mother that apparently has has an unhealthy dependency on alcohol. With no sober father present and her chemical dependency we witness a recipe for disaster for why so many African American children fall victim to the system. Indeed, on any given day nearly 23 percent of African American males who have dropped out of school between the ages of are in jail, prison or a juvenile justice system according to the Center for Labor Market Studies.

Males without fathers often stay in a suspended animation of boyhood for the rest of their adult lives defaulting to selfishness, sex without commitment and will become the fathers that their father were; absent, inattentive and reckless. These males project their own self-hatred because of their fathers absence onto the children they will have but never raise effectively destroying self vicariously through abandoning their own children. The maintenance of denial requires single mothers to believe they can raise males alone. Unfortunately, especially in the African American community, we make myth of the great single African American mother who has beaten the odds with her children. If this myth was the rule and not the exception the African American child would not be at the bottom of all leading danger indexes.

Single mothers can and must help their sons even without their fathers present. Some strategies they can take are to:

Only date men who have committed relationships with their own children
Do everything in your power not to end the relationship
Join churches that have male mentoring
Place children in activities that have male adults
Never criticize their fathers in front of them
Use media to let them watch males who are positive role models
Encourage when possible that the father talks to them daily and sees them at least once a week
Use the Internet for strategies

The job of two parents together is very difficult, with one parent it is often overwhelming.We first must admit and acknowledge to ourselves that our children are missing half of what they need. In acknowledging that we are more moved to do something about it. There are stories of success among single mothers and single mothers have an obligation to find what the ingredients of those stories were and duplicate them for the success of their own children. Most of all this again is a call for men to be present every day in the lives of their children relieving our women of single parenthood and eliminating the massive love deficits we have created in our children. Fathers are the only solution.

The writer Ray Davis Founder of Fatherhood 6570 can be reached at this blog or at Raydavisgroup@aoil.com

Fatherhood6570, Fatherhood and Hip Hop

The meteoric rise of Hip Hop over the past thirty years is directly correlated to the absence of fathers in the African American community. This is not a criticism of Hip Hop but a perspective of why much of the music is so angry, misogynistic, consumer driven and violent. These males suffering a massive love deficit try to fill the void with lyrics that amplify how they feel and view the world. African American males have less fathers in the home today then they did in slavery.* The fatherhood deficit that is pandemic in African American homes and is even approaching high levels in White households leaving a painful void that desperately needs to be filled by these males. Hip Hop offers them a community of escape denial and hope. While the traditional paths of underprivileged males allowed sports to be the source for escape, venting and communal need, Hip Hop’s generous filter allows more young males into the sport of Hip Hop as it does not require athletic gifts, rigorous practice and adult authority in the realm of male coaches.

I want to briefly examine four of Hip Hops leading lights of Rap music to show the pain that the absence of fatherhood causes forever and how that pain is therapeutically released through the music. Here we look at the music of Foxy Brown, Biggie, Tupac and Jay Z who have all contributed songs that are directed at their absentee fathers. Beyond the incredibly potent lyrics after reading this article we immediately see why Hip Hop is such a powerful force in the abscence of fathers in our homes.

Foxy Brown’s, My Life
Uh, confused, I ain't asked to be born
Nigga so dumb, shoulda used a condom
Ask mommy every day, when daddy gon' come?
But he never showed up

Lack of love had me fallin' for thugs
The niggas who ain't care, just like Daddy
If he ain't care, why should they?
For this 'high price' life, it's the price I pay

Tupac, Papa’s Song
Had to play catch by myself, what a sorry sight
A pitiful plight, so I pray for a starry night
Please send me a pops before puberty
the things I wouldn't do to see a piece of family unity
Moms always work, I barely see her
I'm startin to get worried without a pops I'll grow to be her
It's a wonder they don't understand kids today
so when I pray, I pray I'll never grow to be that way

Moms had to entertain many men
Didn't wanna do it but it's time to pay the rent again
I'm gettin a bit older and I'm startin to be a bother
Moms can't stand me cause I'm lookin like my father
Should I stay or run away, tell me the answer
Moms ignores me and avoids me like cancer

Biggie Smalls, Suicidal thoughts
When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell
Cause I'm a piece of shit, it ain't hard to fuckin' tell
It don't make sense, goin' to heaven wit the goodie-goodies
Dressed in white, I like black Tims and black hoodies

All my life I been considered as the worst
Lyin' to my mother, even stealin' out her purse
Crime after crime, from drugs to extortion
I know my mother wished she got a fuckin' abortion
She don't even love me like she did when I was younger
Suckin' on her chest just to stop my fuckin' hunger
I wonder if I died, would tears come to her eyes?
Forgive me for my disrespect, forgive me for my lies

Jay Z, Where have you been
I wanted to walk just like him (remember?)
wanted to talk just like him (word)
often momma said I look too much
and I thought just like him (it could happen)
wanted to drink Miller nips
and smoke Newports just like you
but you left me, now I'm goin to court just like you
I would say "my daddy loves me and he'll never go away"
bullshit, do you even remember December's my birthday?
do you even remember the tender boy
you turned into a cold young man
with one goal and one plan
get mommy out of some jam, she was always in one
always short with the income
always late with the rent
You said that you was comin through
I would stay in the hallway (waitin)
always playin the bench (waitin)
and that day came and went
Fuck You! very much you showed me the worst kind of pain
but I'm stronger and trust me I will never hurt again
will never ask mommy "why daddy don't love me?
Why is we so poor?, why is life so ugly?
Mommy why is your eyes puffy?"
please don't cry everything'll be alright
I know it's dark now, but we gon' see the light
It's us against the world
we don't need him, right? (right)

Ray Davis’s summary: These lyrics are a veritable national anthem of artist's from fatherless homes echoing the pain, alienation and self-hatred of abandonment by their fathers. I leave you here to reflect on these lyrics by multi-million dollar celebrities that in spite of their status suffer the greatest deficit America faces today, the love deficit between father and child. As the lyrics testify the damage is permanent and it lives in their children for the rest of their lives. If you as a father have abandoned, neglected or not acknowledged your child you can be sure that they feel what these artist have spoken. Fathers, it is never too late to acknowledge your child and in saving your child you ultimately save yourself.

*During the days of slavery a black child was more likely to grow up living with both parents than he or she is today.
Andrew J. Cherlin, Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage, rev. and enl. ed., (Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1992), 110 . See also Herbert G. Gutman, The Black Family in Slavery and Freedom, 1750-1925 (New York: Pantheon, 1976). For a review of this and similar studies see Stanley L. Engerman, "Black Fertility and Family Structure in the U.S. 1880-1940," Journal of Family History 2 (Summer 1977): 177ff. Cited in The Abolition of Marriage, by Maggie Gallagher page 117

The writer Ray Davis Founder of Fatherhood 6570 can be reached at this blog or at Raydavisgroup@aoil.com